#20 - Out of Hours Takeover💤
She is not a bad friend; she’s an introvert. I am that one friend.
Meggie is a London-based, 29-year-old working in tech. She enjoys reading classics, going out for walks, hiking and travelling. She is also a coffee snob (she grinds her own beans and owns 6 different types of coffee machines). She would describe herself as a very stereotypical millennial who spends too much time on social media and has slight social anxiety.
Thoughts from my Notes App
The Art of Being an Introvert
I am an introvert. I know, it sounds like a confession or an admission of guilt. But you must understand that to me, being an introvert is a defining characteristic. It’s like having a very conspicuous mole or birthmark that you learn to carry around with pride (I know this because I have one of those).
In uni, I remember spending Friday and Saturday nights in my room, reading poetry and philosophy, drinking “Tesco Finest” red wine and living my best main character life while (almost) everyone else was playing beer pong in some dirty student hall, getting drunk off cheap beer and Jägerbombs. Student socials, parties and big gatherings have always been the most terrifying events one could invite me to, second only to clubbing. I’d walk from my room to the dorm’s common room looking at my peers with astonishment and disdain (a very curious mix of feelings, I know). Part of me had FOMO and thought I should try harder, but no matter how hard I tried, Nietzsche, Sartre, Marx were gazillion times more entertaining and easy to relate to.
Socialising in those sweaty and crowded settings always felt very uncomfortable, like wearing shoes that are one size too small. It required such a mental effort to sustain the endless small talk and every time a conversation got deeper, I’d fear I was being boring. I’d immediately start imagining that the person in front of me was just looking for an excuse to leave, and so I’d anticipate that move and leave with an excuse myself instead. I wasn’t bad at it though; the small talk, I mean. I just really disliked it. In fact, most introverts are exceptionally good at socialising and chitchatting. Take Barack Obama for example, the introvert par excellence. We are (at least, I am) pretty good at connecting with others, but we like to do so quietly and intentionally. A house party is not exactly the place where quiet and intentional conversations can happen.
All throughout uni, I always tried to carry my introversion as a ‘cool and distinctive’ personality trait, only to come to terms with the fact that extroverts always had it all. Charm, high social energy, great networking skills, enthusiasm, unshakable self-esteem. What changed my idea that the extroverts had it all, and that I was forever destined to a life of self-inflicted social segregation was realising I could start taking advantage of the innate skills introversion came with. With that came also the realisation that most of those social butterflies struggled with those skills.
In other words, I learned the subtle art of being an introvert. Before going ahead with what those skills are, I just want to clarify that I believe that nobody is either an introvert or an extrovert. We all sit somewhere within a spectrum. Understanding to which extreme we are closer might help better leverage our skills and discover hidden and precious qualities. Similarly, learning from our social opposites can probably help us develop new skills we might not be naturally inclined to have.
The Art of Being Alone
This is a BIG one.
Just search the word “introvert” on Google. Not a single website will fail to describe us as “someone who loves to spend time alone”. And we do. I do. Whether a long walk or a month-long travel, spending time with myself helps me recharge, reflect, and clear my head.
This has always been so natural to me that I was shocked when I realised how many people struggle with being alone. I believe part of that struggle comes from focusing too much ‘outwards’ and too little ‘inwards’. Processing and dealing with whatever is going on inside my head without the distraction of a friend or partner has always been crucial for a healthy relationship with myself. It helps me understand my thoughts and emotions, reevaluate my priorities and self-reflect. Being alone brings about a mental clarity and an addictive sense of independence (and, unlike a meditation session, you can do it for free).
Spending time alone is an exercise I’d recommend to anyone who is struggling with big life decisions, or is under too much pressure from work, or feels alienated from their own life. It really doesn’t take much. Just go out with no music, no book, no distraction (even no phone, I’d dare say). I promise, it will be a revelatory experience.
The Art of Deep Talks
Nothing entertains me more than a long, deep conversation (ideally in front of a glass of red wine). I remember a guy I met when I was younger. He was a friend of a friend I used to visit in summer. The summer we met, we magically clicked, and we started spending every single evening lying on the balcony, stargazing, and talking until dawn. There is something special about people who can pay active attention to you. They have some sort of magnetism. Sincerity also plays quite a big part in this because others just can feel it when you’re sincere. Trying as much as possible to be my true and sincere self and to actively listen to the person in front of me has helped me create such strong and deep relationships throughout the years. That’s why it’s such a big misconception to think that introverts have a hard time making friends. What we struggle with is small talks, superficial encounters and big and loud groups. We don’t have the infinite reserve of social energy that extroverts possess. But we do have an innate ability to dig deep into people.
The Art of Being Creative
Teamwork is important; there’s no doubt about that. But too much focus on the outside world kills creativity. Try to come up with a new, original idea during a business meeting, a team catch-up or a brainstorm session with your teammates. Now try to go for a walk and do the same. I firmly believe that so many people hide entire worlds and universes inside, which remain unexplored because we grow up with the idea that solitary time equals loneliness. As if being alone was something to be avoided at all costs, rather than being encouraged. Solitude, however, nurtures creativity. Take it from Susan Cain, the author of ‘Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking’: “some of our greatest ideas, art, and inventions - from the theory of evolution, to Van Gogh’s sunflowers to the personal computer - came from quiet and cerebral people who knew how to tune in to their inner worlds”. I am not saying that solo brainstorming is universally better. However, if you struggle with creative thinking it might be worth trying to exercise your mind to think independently, without anyone else’s input. Get a notebook, sit down, and start scribbling. After a few tries, you might surprise yourself with the result.
At this point, if you are more of an introvert your experience should probably somewhat resonate with the above. If, however, you are more of an extrovert then hopefully what you just read helped you understand that one friend that always rejects your invites to big groups gathering or clubbing. She is not a bad friend; she’s an introvert. I am that one friend.
ICYMI
Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow
I normally don’t put too much faith into best sellers, as they often end up being just a momentary hype, but this one was amazing. If you were born in the 90s, then this book will do an incredible job awakening so many beautiful and nostalgic memories. It’s written so well, you’ll devour it.
Klara and the Sun
One for those who love a sad, nostalgic story. This book brings up very interesting questions about AI, identity, friendship and family. The writing style is impeccable, incredibly deep and elegant in its simplicity.
Who am I to recommend or say anything about such a classic? I know. But just ICYMI please, please, please, just read it. Don’t let the 1000+, 4-point size font pages intimidate you. You can take this book very slow if you want to, and you’ll still enjoy it very much. But you won’t take it slowly, trust me. You will consume it the same way you consumed Baby Reindeer, The Bear or White Lotus on Netflix.
What I’ve been watching and listening to
I recently re-watched ‘The Love Witch’. What a masterpiece!
This 2017 Horror/Comedy is all about women's lust for love, independence, determination and power. It’s such a great movie! The 1960s colour palette and period costumes are also spot on. Beautiful for the eye and the soul.
Philosophize This! & The Partially Examined Life
These are my go-to podcasts whenever I need to do chores or any other auto-pilot tasks. They’re both brilliant and insightful, easy to listen to and unpretentious.
Love,
Meggie
FYI, you can read past letters here.
Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this letter please share it with a friend, neighbour, lover, stranger 💋