#16 - Out of Hours Takeover 💤
Calorie counting, loser lists and some pretty pictures for good measure.
Eleanor is an arts professional from Dublin, Ireland working in a gallery in south London. She's 31 and almost described herself as in her 30s, which feels very dramatic. She likes Beyoncé, cheese and Married at First Sight. She spends too much time on social media, so started a semi-regular substack, called Fizzy Milk, in which she shares an artwork that she likes and a TikTok that made her laugh. She uses this as an excuse for her embarrassingly high screen time.
I’m sorry to say that I’ve been thinking a lot about my body recently. One of the reasons behind this is because I’ve consistently been seeing a trainer at the gym since December and I’ve discovered muscles that I didn’t think existed. I have never enjoyed exercise and always felt uncomfortable in the gym, so it’s been an intriguing development to realise that with the right person showing me what to do and gently motivating me to actually go, it does feel good.
However, as a woman who grew up in the 90s, it’s always been hard for me to exercise neutrally. More and more recently I’ve caught myself looking at calories and checking my step count and skipping meals. TikTok and their incredibly intuitive algorithm is showing me before-and-after weight loss videos, workout programmes and meal prep ideas. I was, no joke, this close to buying castor oil the other day because a very smiley woman wearing lululemon told me (via viral video) that she lost fat on her stomach by rubbing castor oil on it every day. Not consuming it, no, she was actually just putting oil on her abdomen.
I’m turning 32 this summer and I’m feeling it. I’ve got brand new aches and pains. I can’t really sit cross legged for that long. I sometimes impulsively make a small groan when I stand up. My skin is dry, the lines on my face are deeper, for some reason I’ve got a bruise on my ARMPIT that just will not go away. (Not sure if this is old age, but it’s pretty weird.)
I hate this. I hate that I’m thinking about my appearance so much. I hate worrying about it and beating myself up about it and getting mad at friends who are skinnier than me also feeling bad about their bodies. (Because how DARE they.) I am mortified to share with you that I recently bought one of those egg and spinach pots in Pret. That is truly a new low.
I’ve been trying to focus on the good things. I went to the dentist for the first time in eight (yes, 8) years recently and I only had to get one filling! That’s good going, especially given the amount of Diet Coke I drink. I’ve decided to start getting my nails done regularly, in fun designs and bright colours. I’m spending more money on a good hair dresser, who doesn’t talk too much and when he does makes me genuinely belly laugh. When I have the money, I’ve been decorating my arm with cute patchwork tattoos and I Iove them.
I’m embarrassed to admit all of this. In a world of body positivity and good people who don’t give a shit about what my body looks like, I shouldn’t care so much. I’m trying not to. So I’m going to the gym and lifting weights. I’m focusing on feeling strong and sleeping more. And if you see me eating hard boiled eggs in public, please check in.
The good news is that I’ve kept the rest of this newsletter diet-culture, body shaming FREE.
Thoughts from my Notes App
How many of you have also experienced the Karaoke equivalent of writer's block and suddenly forgotten every song you’ve ever heard?
I’d recommend keeping a handy list. And then, when the inevitable dinner party question comes up and people tell you their go-to crowd pleaser karaoke hit, you can add it in for next time. This is a work in progress, so please do send me your suggestions.
Presented without comment.
Art Interlude
I work for an art gallery and enjoying art and exhibitions has, very pretentiously, become a big part (maybe 70%?) of my personality. I’ve got a semi-abandoned newsletter, called
where I share a work of art that I like every couple of weeks. I thought I’d share some with you here. I’ve got nothing new to say about them, so this can be a little break for your eyes.Enjoy:
ICYMI
No exaggeration, I think about this article from 2007 about once a week. A journalist writing about video game world-record holders discovers that his wife is actually a champion-standard Tetris player.
A Day in the Life of a Tate Security Officer
I keep telling my friends that I want to shadow them at work. They have bring your kid to work day, don’t they? Why not bring your noisiest adult mate? I’m so intrigued about what people do 9-5, what their meetings are structured like and how they write their emails. This video from Tate is so sweet. More work-day-in-the-life vlogs please. And if anyone wants to take me to their office, I’m available at short notice.
Julia Masli - ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Fun fact about me, I’m a big live comedy fan. This feels weird to say because I’m pretty sure most people like laughing. But I have realised after trying and failing to get friends to come to stand up nights, that live comedy is a bit marmite-y. If you happen to be a fan, or if you’re on the fence and want to give it a go, I implore you to seek out Julia Masli. Her show is a slightly chaotic experience based around one fairly strange woman trying to help the audience with their problems. Go if you can!
How to Be a Human at the Chateau Marmont
“Hollywood is a culture built on illusion, an entire industry sprung from flickering light through celluloid. I know now that famous people are just people with the same struggles and needs as everyone else but are often trapped in the world of illusion that both creates and consumes them. I know that money, fame, and sex are no guarantees for happiness and that quite frequently, the people who have so much of them are even more miserable as they exist so briefly in time.”
An incredible interview with the old Managing Director of celebrity hotspot Chateau Marmont, Philip Pavel by
.I am obsessed with this young man’s daily videos and I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do before bed when Ramadan is over. He’s hilarious and goofy and sweet and he’s teaching so many people about Islam. He is my current comfort watch.
Neither deer nor the woods
Writer of my second favourite newsletter (you listening, Iman?), Luke O’Neill, has been sharing some of his short stories on Twitter. This one is about a man’s phone malfunctioning and starting to show him photos of things that haven’t happened yet. A nice one.
I’m glad my mum died by Jennette McCurdy
I’ve been getting into audio books now they’re on Spotify. I listen to them when I’m getting ready in the morning which helps wake me up without requiring much brain power. Jennette McCurdy’s heartbreaking story about her abusive relationship with her mother really took me by surprise. The Nickelodeon child-star narrates it herself, and you can hear the pain in her voice at some parts.
Goodbye for now! Thanks for putting up with me. This has been nice and therapeutic and I’ve probably revealed too much about the inside of my brain. Let’s do it again sometime!
FYI, you can read past letters here.
Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this letter please share it with a friend, neighbour, lover, stranger 💋